I read this instapost which said:
"I was taught that keeping quiet kept the peace
until I realised,
whose peace is it keeping?
The offender is at peace...
The people who don't want to deal with it is at peace...
And I, in this little body is holding all the war ...
So, I don't want to hold it any more!"
Reflecting on this, which many of us—especially women—face in our personal and professional lives: the “Good Girl” archetype.
Not only can I relate to this - think "good greek girl", but I see in daily in my private sessions, and we've been working on this in our Facilitator Training program.
This belief system, often unconsciously internalized, can deeply influence how we show up in the world, particularly as leaders, facilitators, and women navigating relationships.
The “Good Girl” archetype teaches us that our worth comes from being agreeable, accommodating, and selfless. It encourages us to avoid conflict, please others, and minimize our own needs for the sake of harmony. While these traits may have served us in some ways, they often lead to self-neglect, burnout, and disconnection from our true desires.
The core beliefs might sound familiar:
- "I need to be liked by everyone to feel worthy."
- "Others’ needs are more important than my own."
- "If I set boundaries, I’m being difficult or selfish."
- "It’s my job to keep the peace, even if it costs me my well-being."
People-Pleasing & The Costs We Pay
When we get stuck in this “Good Girl” mode, it shows up as people-pleasing: saying "yes" when we really mean "no," overextending ourselves, and bending over backwards to make sure everyone else is comfortable. And while we might think we’re keeping things smooth, these patterns can take a serious toll.
In Leadership & Facilitation
As leaders or facilitators, being stuck in this archetype can be especially harmful. When we prioritize being liked over being effective, it impacts our ability to lead authentically and make bold decisions.
For Example:
A facilitator who avoids challenging conversations for fear of upsetting group members might notice that the group never goes as deep as it could. True transformation in groups often requires surfacing discomfort, but a “Good Girl” may steer the group toward lighter, more agreeable topics to avoid conflict. The result? Missed opportunities for real growth and connection.
Another Example:
A woman in a leadership position might hesitate to hold her team accountable because she doesn’t want to seem “too harsh.” She overworks herself trying to make up for their shortcomings, instead of addressing the root of the issue with direct, compassionate communication. Over time, this could lead to resentment, burnout, and a breakdown in team dynamics.
In Conflict Resolution & Relationships
In relationships—whether personal or professional—people-pleasing prevents us from addressing the deeper issues that need to be resolved. We might suppress our true feelings or needs, and instead of setting clear boundaries, we overcompensate and hope others will notice our efforts without us having to ask. But rarely does that work.
For Example:
Think of the woman who continually says “yes” to requests for help at work, even when she’s already overwhelmed. She’s afraid that saying “no” might make her seem uncooperative or less dependable. Over time, she begins to feel taken advantage of, but the resentment only builds because she hasn’t voiced her limits.
Advocating for Yourself
The “Good Girl” finds it incredibly difficult to ask for support or speak up for what she needs. Whether it’s requesting a raise at work or asking a partner for emotional support, she often stays silent, waiting for others to recognize her needs on their own. This belief that our needs are secondary or that we should “just handle it” reinforces a cycle of self-neglect.
Healing the “Good Girl” Archetype
It’s time to shift from people-pleasing to personal empowerment.
Here are three ways to start breaking free from these patterns:
1. Set Boundaries with Love & Clarity:
Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing others away—it’s about honoring your own limits so you can show up fully. Practice saying “no” when you need to, starting with small situations. This could be as simple as declining a task at work that you don’t have capacity for, or taking a day off to recharge. The more you practice, the more natural it will feel.
2. Tune into Your Inner Voice:
Begin a daily practice of checking in with yourself. Ask, "What do I need today?" Whether it’s through journaling, meditation, or simply a quiet moment of reflection, this practice helps you reconnect with your own needs and desires—so that you can act from a place of inner alignment, rather than external expectations.
3. Redefine Conflict as Courage:
Try to see conflict not as something to be feared, but as an opportunity to stand in your truth. When you address issues openly, you create the possibility for deeper understanding and growth—for yourself and for others. Take baby steps by initiating honest conversations with loved ones or colleagues, even if it feels uncomfortable. Over time, you’ll find that these moments of courage build trust and respect.
Real Life Example:
As a facilitator, you might sense that a group member needs to be gently challenged in order to grow, but the “Good Girl” inside you worries about making them uncomfortable. By stepping into your leadership role with compassion and clarity, you can create safe space for deeper transformation while modeling healthy boundaries.
Healing the "Good Girl" archetype is a journey of learning to prioritize your own voice, desires, and boundaries without guilt.
When you reclaim this power, you become a more authentic leader, facilitator, and woman, capable of creating deeper connections and leading others by example.
I hope this resonates with you, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Let me know what you think!.
May you be the safe space for someone today, or
May you open to receiving the balm of someone else holding a safe space for you!
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