The Unspoken wounds of women...
During the course of the last decade, and then some, I’ve had the honour of facilitating emotional healing journeys with women. Beautiful, courageous, diverse women from all walks of life. As a counselor, part of my job is to identify patterns. Patterns of behaviour, patterns of cognition, then unpacking the psyche’s constructed puzzle pieces and connecting them to the current challenge my client faces. Essentially, I see myself as Labyrinth guide, facilitating a way through the maze, braving into the center point of the heart, emerging transformed.
Present challenges, or rather, symptoms of the deeper rooted issue, may show up as tension, self-sabotage or limiting ways of being, an overwhelming feeling of being unsettled or stuck, and/ unresolved conflict both internally, and externally. Once we unravel the pattern pieces, disentangle the subconscious pathways of protection, the wounds become clear, suppressed emotions arise and the healing can take place. Over the years I have worked with thousands and thousands of truth-seeking women, and am humbled by the opportunity I have to be the sacred witness in holding their stories safe. I also take note of collective patterns and in my observation, women share a multitude of collective silent wounding. Countless women have shared their unspoken wounding in my presence. When their bodies, hearts and minds can no longer be silent, courageously... vulnerably... giving voice to the spaces within which had held the secrets of their womb for too many moons. This shared experience, is held within the fabric of women’s bodies, in sheaths of shame wrapped within the womb, in the pressure of a clenched jaw, and compressed sonic sounds hidden in lumps within the throat. These unspoken wounds, only grows darker in the shadows of shame. The cost of holding this secret in the dusty attic of your mind, or the confines of the dark basement of your body, seemingly disconnected from your body, manifests in the closing of the heart, unexpressed grief turned depression, unsung sorrow crystalised in the womb lining.... The costs are too high. We numb these uncomfortable emotions through drinking, self-medicating, distraction, insta-tweet-face-self-harm (scrolling through random photographs and comparing your life with others) - spiraling further down into a deeper vortex of self-loathing and shame. Perhaps its time we open the conversation. I’m taking about the shroud of shame which women hold in relation to their choices, experiences, or circumstances, and the decision to survive it alone. The unspoken choices we make, such as abortion or choosing not to have children; the unvoiced wounds of miscarriage, sexual assault, or abusive relationships; the unexpressed journey of dealing with and surviving cancer. Perhaps you can relate to Hannah who chose to have an abortion, she went in for the procedure alone, she recovered at home in solitude, she returned to her ‘normal’ life without telling a soul; or Mae who choose to ‘go against the expected female role of mother’ and is child-free. She struggled with this decision alone, locked in an internal battle of feeling pressured by society to become a Mother and her inner voice saying you can choose to be child-free and still be worthy of being called a woman. When asked if she has children, she may skirt the answer, or lie and say she can not have children for fear of judgement for her decision; or Kalila who had a miscarriage and didn’t tell her family or co-workers. She suppressed her grief, her perceived failure of being a woman, and tried her best to cope with her hormonal rollercoaster of emotions in isolation; or Victoria who was sexually assaulted and didn’t want to be a “self-pitying victim”. She survived, and compares her experience to other violent crimes, consoling herself, that she got off “lightly” so she actually has nothing to feel or complain about. Life must go on. She denies her trauma, ignores her pain, and shelves her shame; or Ilola who is a smart, educated, dynamic woman. She hides her reality of being in a toxic, controlling, abusive relationship to the outside world. She makes excuses for his behaviour, she denies her pain to herself, and holds this secret deeply buried in her womb; or Nomandla who was diagnosed with breast cancer, at the time of treatment she could no longer hide it, and brushed it off when asked about her healing journey. She did not want to be pitied, so she didn’t talk about it....to anyone. When these women in our circles don’t share their stories, we too, loose out.
- We loose out on connection;
- we loose out on expanding our empathic language skills;
- we loose out on learning from their experience, for example learning to identify the redflags of abusive relationships, learning about the grieving process, learning about diverse archetypes of the mother, learning about the practice of self-care and learning to hold sacred space for one another by simply asking: “What do you need?” Instead of trying to rescue or distract from not dealing with our own feelings of discomfort when confronted with life’s challenges. Silenced by our masks of being perfect, being wonder women, being Super sexy, successful and the next It Girl, underlies an "emotion -numbing- coping- warrior" (programmed to deploy in times of struggle), never showing the weakness of vulnerability. I want to share another story about “Simela”. You may resonate personally or know of someone who has gone through something similar.
Simela found herself in a situation which was bound to be life-altering. It was one of those moments of shattered awakening.... a cross roads stood before her....she knew whichever choice she made would be a life-defining moment for her. The weight of this decision was overwhelming, and the mixed, messy feelings of guilt, sorrow and shame flushed through her body, consuming her every thought.
She felt so ashamed, that she decided not to tell a soul. She’d convinced herself that dealing with this issue in isolation of support, is her only option. She fears that her mother will not understand, perhaps because her decision will contravene her mothers belief system, she fears her sisters will judge her, and that her friends will abandon her. So she summons her inner warrior, and goes it alone...she withdraws as her feelings of loneliness, insecurity and gut twisting guilt, starts drowning her in a sea of shame. These feelings become so overwhelming that it starts to affect her work, her interaction with others and she decides that in order to cope, she needs to cut off the feelings in order to survive this experience.
Simela starts detaching from her emotions by numbing all the uncomfortable feelings, she numbs it with rage, she numbs it with eating, spending money, self medicating to escape, being busy, distraction to disconnect from feeling the swirling within. She feels temporary relief, an illusive exhale, she doesn’t realise it, but slowly she starts shutting down her heart, disassociates from her personal power, and starts unconsciously sabotaging anything that would make her feel joy, peace, love, support, comfort, wholeness and healing. Simela’s coping strategy prevents her from going through a healthy emotional healing processing. She stops herself from going through the journey of grief, anger, sadness, release and integration. We can not selectively numb, when we numb the uncomfortable feelings, we numb out joy, love and inner peace too. This crossroads was a threshold guardian, it truly was a life changing moment... Her warrior gave her the strength, the determination, the discipline to stay detached, disassociated, to cope, to escape feeling anything, and to survive it. She cuts off any association to this experience, tries to erase any remnants of it from her memory, and tells herself that this is ok. Simela does not permit herself to be vulnerable about this pivotal life event, she does not allow herself compassion, nor kindness, and so when she hears of another women in a similar situation expressing emotion, she judges her as weak and in turn shows no compassion for her. Simela got through it, she survived it, she has moved on... or has she? Inevitably, at some point all her unprocessed emotions will call her back to deal with it. Timing of the call is different in every story, its catalytic circumstance is unique to your path, but make no mistake, the call will come...
At times this coping strategy is unconscious, at times it is a lucid choice to lock it all away. We can only give, what we have. When we have emerged from the dark night of the soul, enriched from the experience, holding only the gift in the wound, we have the capacity to show compassion towards others who have experienced something similar. When we have full closure on an experience, we can tell our story from a space of authenticity, wholeness and wisdom. I am the inter-connector of this collective story, silenced in the bounds of professional confidence, holding each story sacred. In the center I can see the weaving of a collective experience, I can see the tapestry of what women hold, I know of their unexpressed desire to heal, to love, to feel whole, to courageously be their true selves and the collective clarion call to help heal this world. I have witnessed women gathering, knowing their secrets and holding them in confidence, awaiting for the heroine to share her dreams, desires, fears and wounds in the circle with her sistars. I can not push the story to be spoken, I can only create a safe sacred space for it to be held, in a non-judgmental way, opening the heart for healing to take place. Sometimes, women courageously and vulnerably share... and the profound healing which takes place, still gives me truth-bumps every-time. The power of storytelling is where the magic happens. We’re wired for story, its in our DNA, in our ancestral memory.... A quiet voice will emerge and softly say : “Me too”.
The women in the circle realise with conscious awakening: “I am not alone. My pain is shared. My resilience is shared. My sister feels me, even though we may have dealt with it differently, had different circumstances, our unexpressed grief is the same, our dreams are the same, our desires of being loved and to love - are the same”.
One of my favourite moments of group connection happened on a corporate stress management workshop I facilitated some years ago. This particular group of women shared an office, yet never shared their personal beliefs. In a safe, heart-centered environment, the women squealed with delight after sharing that hidden in each office drawer was a deck of angel cards, some salt and a crystal. They had worked together for more than 5 years... and never shared their authentic selves. This office was unique in their shared beliefs, in other diverse offices, we can still find more commonality than we expect. The point I am trying to make, is that when we allow ourselves to share the intimate parts of who we are, the deep longing we have for connection is right there in front of us all along. We need to give a voice to the unspoken, it can not heal in any other way, neither within nor without. When we share our light, we give others permission to share theirs too. I have witnessed women courageously sharing their wounding in circles, liberating others who may not express a sound in that moment, but will communicate heartfelt gratitude for that liberation to me and perhaps to the sharer. At times we may not see the positive impact on others, its important to continue to lead courageously with our whole hearts. The way of the feminine is experiential. Through awakening our interconnected system of senses we allow ourselves to experience the world around us, which we may have been blind to before. It is our senses which are the filter of realities unseen, unfelt and unspoken. The restoration of experiential orientation is rooted in honouring our emotional bodies. One of the many pearls of wisdom the great author Maya Angelou enriched us with speaks to this practice : “People will forget what you said, forget what you did, but they will never forget the way you made them feel.” Feminine leadership is about allowing our softness to flow, to be expressed, to feel all that we feel, and then facilitating a sacred space for others to safely be held. I truly believe that when women heal themselves, they heal the world. In this spirit, I implore you to speak out, in appropriate environments, when you are ready. If you are not ready for a group sharing, I am here to be a sacred witness for you - to assist you on your journey to wholeness. If you are ready to share in a sacred sister circle, but you do not know where to find one, I have a sacred sister circle you can join or I can recommend one close to you. It's scary to tell the truth, and Good Goddess its petrifying to face the truth, to give yourself permission to grieve, to let go, or to open your heart. However, isn't’ it more frightening to live a life unexpressed, closed off, and unspoken?
The power of choice is ever-present, awaiting in your hands, in your voice and within the sacred chalice of your womb.
#Leadership #fulfillment #healingsecrets #emotionalwellbeing #emotions #MayaAngelou #grief #joy #truth #personalpower
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